then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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