I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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