can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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