How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
