I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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