I will die if light touches me.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
