They should really pass out barf bags in church
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
In other news, I just burned my penis
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
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