Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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