her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
