I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
if i can run in heels then i can drive
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
