i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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