there's paper in my vomit.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
