I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
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