I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Randomize
