remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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