yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
