I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Randomize
