mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
