I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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