I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
no, he came in my armpit
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
