I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
