I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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