apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
