We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
