Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
