Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
