Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
