I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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