so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
