I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
The beer is more important than you right now.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
