I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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