you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
