Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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