Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
