just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
