we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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