Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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