I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
