Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
smell my finger.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Randomize
