life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
