My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
