six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
