Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
