He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Randomize
