Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I'm having to shit out rocks
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize