oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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