You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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