I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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