I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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