my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize