OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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