Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
