You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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