Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
