How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
True college students do jello shots in the library
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize