Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
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