where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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