Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
