What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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