I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
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