if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
