I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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