note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
