i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
