Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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