I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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