looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
