Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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